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OTBS
Question:
GUY What, no wine cellar? Just joking Ps Keep a case under the bed
Response:
So far, I’m getting a real kick outta all of these! Keep ‘em coming! -G roflmao
Response:
For everyone fighting Exhaustion Best excuses if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 2. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 4. "I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !" 6. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 7. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?" 9. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 10. "The coffee machine is broke…." 11. "Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot." 12. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!" 13. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 14. "Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
Response:
A newly married man asks his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?" "Darling," the woman replies sweetly," I’d have married you no matter who left you a fortune." A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Polish joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs, and I’m Polish. The guy sitting next to me is 6′2" tall, weighs 225, and he’s Polish. The fella next to him is 6′5" tall, weighs 250, and he’s Polish. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?" The first guy says, "Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times!" Note: Before you e-mail saying that the Polish joke was in bad taste — read the joke again. It’s target is the personal telling the joke, *not* the polish men at the bar. Just cma. Mary (QoOTBS)
Response:
Guy..a man after my own heart…..(but alas another maiden falls….to your charm) Out of wine??..Out of wine?? That would be cause for alarm… Im just thankfull it doesnt..(wine) trigger outbreaks..
Response:
yep yep yep…….keep em coming! oh yeah, if a cannibal eats a clown, does it taste funny?
Response:
writes: Not humor this time folks, just something I did today that brought me back to my (misguided?) youth. I mopped the kitchen floor, then realized that I forgot to get a drink for myself. As thirsty as all get out, I went into the bathroom, turned on the tap, and drank straight from the faucet. I don’t think I’ve done that since I was thirteen. Just felt like sharing.
Thanks for sharing, Mary!!! (????) Imagine… not having a cup in the bathroom! Honestly! Who sets up these houses to be lived in, anyway?? A worse scenario is to fix a delightful repast and discover you’re out of good wine. Now there! There is cause for alarm!!!!! -G ;-)
Response:
Not humor this time folks, just something I did today that brought me back to my (misguided?) youth. I mopped the kitchen floor, then realized that I forgot to get a drink for myself. As thirsty as all get out, I went into the bathroom, turned on the tap, and drank straight from the faucet. I don’t think I’ve done that since I was thirteen. Just felt like sharing. Mary QoOTBS
Response:
I *love* that stuff!!! LOLSTC April
Response:
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren’t: 10. I need to whip it out by 5. 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 8. Just stick it in my box. 7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag! 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!! 5. HMMMMMMMM….I think it’s out of fluid! 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish. 3. It’s an entry-level position. 2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today? 1. It’s not fair…I do all the work while he just sits there! Mary QoOTBS
Response:
Some more of the garbage that my sister sends to me (does anyone else think that most of these should be attributed to Steven Wright?) ONE LINERS I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving. When I was a kid, I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, "Cut it out!" I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving. I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Now, every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that." I went to a general store, they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific. I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today. I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can’t get out. I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what to add. I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out." I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street and…oohh, that’s much better. I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. My school colors were clear. I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter. I’m taking La Maze classes. I’m not having a baby, I’m just having trouble breathing. When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend’s Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "the middle of August?" My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it." I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time." My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He’s in a minimum security prison now; he’s on a whiffle-ball and chain. Hermits have no peer pressure. Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there? Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers… I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday". I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I’m chased by a herd of deer. I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why’d you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don’t believe everything I read." It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks – I’m not going that far." I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer. I’m a peripheral visionary. I make my own water – two glasses of H, one glass of O. Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don’t they just get taller ballerinas? The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year." What a nice night for an evening. Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute. I do what my Rice Krispies tell me to do. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How do I set my laser printer on stun? How is it possible to have a civil war? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If God dropped acid, would he see people? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Is a castrated pig disgruntled? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? What happens when none of your bees wax? Where are we going? And what’s with this handbasket? Mary, QoOTBS
Response:
ROFLAO!!!! That’s so *cruel*…I *love* it!!!! HUG – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hercules, Snow White and Quasi Moto were all having lunch together. Hercules said, "I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?" Snow White agreed. "I’m told I’m the fairest of them all, but sometimes wonder." Quasi Moto said, "I’m pretty sure I’m the ugliest human alive but I’ve never had it confirmed." They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to pray about it that night and ask God to confirm for them whether Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest and Quasi Moto was the ugliest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings. The next day Hercules walked up with a smile. "Well, it’s true. God told me that I am the strongest man in the world." Snow White perked up and said, "And I now know for sure that I’m the fairest, for God confirmed it." But Quasi Moto lifted his sad face and said, "Who the heck is Linda Tripp?" Typing With One Hand, Mary Elizabeth Dana (5-3-95) Jennifer Nicole (9-21-97) John Carlon (2/15/99)
Response:
ROFLOL. I will be sure to e-mail this to Linda Tripp. :) Hmm, now I just got to figure out what her e-mail address is….I think it is
Hercules, Snow White and Quasi Moto were all having lunch together. Hercules said, "I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?" Snow White agreed. "I’m told I’m the fairest of them all, but sometimes wonder." Quasi Moto said, "I’m pretty sure I’m the ugliest human alive but I’ve never had it confirmed." They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to pray about it that night and ask God to confirm for them whether Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest and Quasi Moto was the ugliest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings. The next day Hercules walked up with a smile. "Well, it’s true. God told me that I am the strongest man in the world." Snow White perked up and said, "And I now know for sure that I’m the fairest, for God confirmed it." But Quasi Moto lifted his sad face and said, "Who the heck is Linda Tripp?" – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Typing With One Hand, Mary Elizabeth Dana (5-3-95) Jennifer Nicole (9-21-97) John Carlon (2/15/99)
Response:
LOL HUG, April – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – ROFLOL. I will be sure to e-mail this to Linda Tripp. :) Hmm, now I just got to figure out what her e-mail address is….I think it is Hercules, Snow White and Quasi Moto were all having lunch together. Hercules said, "I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?" Snow White agreed. "I’m told I’m the fairest of them all, but sometimes wonder." Quasi Moto said, "I’m pretty sure I’m the ugliest human alive but I’ve never had it confirmed." They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to pray about it that night and ask God to confirm for them whether Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest and Quasi Moto was the ugliest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings. The next day Hercules walked up with a smile. "Well, it’s true. God told me that I am the strongest man in the world." Snow White perked up and said, "And I now know for sure that I’m the fairest, for God confirmed it." But Quasi Moto lifted his sad face and said, "Who the heck is Linda Tripp?" Typing With One Hand, Mary Elizabeth Dana (5-3-95) Jennifer Nicole (9-21-97) John Carlon (2/15/99)
Response:
Hercules, Snow White and Quasi Moto were all having lunch together. Hercules said, "I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?" Snow White agreed. "I’m told I’m the fairest of them all, but sometimes wonder." Quasi Moto said, "I’m pretty sure I’m the ugliest human alive but I’ve never had it confirmed." They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to pray about it that night and ask God to confirm for them whether Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest and Quasi Moto was the ugliest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings. The next day Hercules walked up with a smile. "Well, it’s true. God told me that I am the strongest man in the world." Snow White perked up and said, "And I now know for sure that I’m the fairest, for God confirmed it." But Quasi Moto lifted his sad face and said, "Who the heck is Linda Tripp?" Typing With One Hand, Mary Elizabeth Dana (5-3-95) Jennifer Nicole (9-21-97) John Carlon (2/15/99)
Response:
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